For the last few months, and really for the last year, I’ve been having really troubling feelings when it comes to my life, how i was raised and whatnot and what may come in the future. When i entered Northwestern University in the fall of 2009, the plan was to get good grades and go to law school. That was my plan. Being born into a semi-traditional Asian family it was what my parents had pressured me to do, always talking about how we haven’t had a Lawyer in the family yet and it’s good money and security. And to be fair, at the time I kind of wanted to as well. I had been in love with logic puzzles for a long time, and Law seemed like the logical path. But it wasn’t until my Junior year of College (last year) I realized that I would not want to go into Law.

I wouldn’t be happy. I had been often asked questions from my friends about the whole thing on what you do if you get a client to defend, where you know he’s guilty. But all in all, I just would not be happy with my life if I had to ruin lives or protect the guilty because my firm wanted a win or something. So it was then and there, in my winter semester of my third year of college, majoring in history. But. Nothing to do with it yet. This is not where people say “what’d you expect with a Social Science Major”. History makes me happy, I’m fascinated with it (in relevant areas of course). But eventually I decided where I wanted to work (won’t mention this here). And that was a load off my back. 

Then today came where I went to do the paper work inbetween classes, my petition to graduate. For those unfamiliar (i have no idea how similar this is to other universities) I needed to take courses in history and “related courses”. I had been puzzled by that for a while since I thought I had only one related course and one year to do the last 4 courses as well as my undergraduate seminar research class. I realized there while talking to the AM advisor that I actually was done with all my requirements after this quarter except for my research seminar.

I was… ready to graduate. So early? I was set? I was happy when I left, after submitting the forms I had a happy strut to my walk, then immediately panicked. I was about to finish college this year. I was going to be done with my education and go into the real world. It all came back to me how sheltered and spoiled I’d been. I know I’ve grown so much as a person and matured in the last 5 years of my life, but I was still so woefully disappointing when it came to my friends up here, at one of the top universities in the country. How organized their life, and how confident they seemed, wheras I was and am a mess. 

I guess I’m just really worried what the future has for me, if I get that job or not, if I have to move back home for a while before I get a job (and for those of you who don’t know, I have a rocky hateful relationship around my parents and no desire to be home). I’m just scared of the future, outside of this “safe” world of college.